Victory

O victory, sweet victory! Today I wave His love-banner high and declare triumph over the enemy’s schemes!

I didn’t even see the attack coming. One minute I’m running errands the next I’m standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, watching my reflection pull my hair back into a ponytail.

“What are you doing?” Wisdom faithfully inquires.

“It’ll be quick and easy and you haven’t done it for two whole years,” the Liar chimes back. “Jesse’s gone. Now’s your chance. Do it quick before he comes home.”

The lies started earlier that day - they always do. Lies about my body, fears of weight gain, snacking on too many snacks…

Two weeks ago I came out with my first book, Hungry: One Woman’s Battle with and Victory over Anorexia and Bulimia. Yes, it has been a glorious victory. A few days after this book’s release, I was hit with one of the strongest temptations to purge in almost two years. I was at the pharmacy that night, heading home to an empty house and the enemy laid on me a full-frontal attack, so out of the blue (I hadn’t been binging, I hadn’t been around my triggers, etc…) that I found myself numb and thinking, Yes. Purging sounds nice. I can totally block out feelings of regret and do it as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Luckily, Wisdom came in even louder and I realized, No. Actually I don’t want to do that, and quickly called my husband, Jesse, to tell him what was going on. I ended the night packaging up book orders for the next day’s mail, completely content in my identity as the Lord’s Beloved.

And today the enemy was at it again. I had just run a slew of errands, which involved two grocery stores (if only one store had it all), and returned home to open one of the healthy choice ice cream cones I had bought (something I’ve never bought before). I don’t know if it was the fact that it was a new exciting treat or if it was because I had already been snacking that afternoon, but the old thoughts of purging came trickling back into my consciousness as I frantically licked.

It has been two years. Two whole years purge-free. The stretch before that was one year purge-free. Why on earth did this suddenly sound tempting? Before when the enemy lied, I had no desire whatsoever to purge. But today I found myself in the bathroom -Yep, I’m gonna do it - pulling my hair into a ponytail. But as I stared back at the girl in the mirror I didn’t see the same girl year from four years ago. I saw a wife - a woman who is loved, open, and vulnerable. A daughter - a woman who makes her Papa proud. A victor - a woman sets the captives free, a woman who really does not want to live in bondage, and a woman who definitely can NOT afford to give into this now!

I put down my hair and walked out of the bathroom - a sigh and a smile saying it all. Victory.

If only the lies would end forever. If only I never had to deal with them ever again. But, I’ve stirred up the hornet’s nest. I am running full-force into the enemy’s camp, waving the Lord’s banner, screaming, “Ohhhhh, how He loves us!” and sometimes an arrow gets through a crack in the armor. But I’m gonna keep running. I’m gonna yank that stinkin arrow out and keep running! I have to. I can’t live any other way. The Kingdom of Heaven has violently invaded my personal space and the only way to survive is to actively advance with it.

So who’s with me? Who wants to burn with Truth so bright it demolishes darkness? It’s a trip you don’t want to miss, a feeling of ecstasy you won’t want to pass up. And it’s the thrill of letting His love flow into every part, into every broken place, into every lie about your identity until you are so in love, so caught up in love sickeness for Him that you don’t know how to live any other way.

I am for you. He is for you. No matter where you are right now or what you’ve done, His love conquers all. So go ahead. Let it in. You are the apple of His eye, and victory is always just one decision away.