Power

Beauty is power.

Yesterday I was mulling over the idea of why we women have the desire to be skinny and beautiful, and I realized one of the reasons is that beauty is power.

Picture a beautiful, skinny woman in an ad or on the TV screen. How does she look? Helpless? Worried? Insecure? Needy? Nope. She looks powerful, like she has no problems whatsoever. She is perfect. Her life is perfect. She is in control and because of that, she doesn’t get hurt by the world. She is independent.

She also controls men with her beauty. She determines whether or not they will drool over her. She has control over her friendships. She is the one they always wish they could be. She can dispose of her relationships at any time because she has the power - all eyes on her.

In thinking about this, I recalled that one of the most difficult things in letting go of my eating disorder was letting go of this supposed power. As I let go of my need to have the perfect outfit to show off my body and prove that I am powerful, I also let go of control over my relationships. And that was scary.

In letting go, I had to recognize the ways in which I was manipulating relationships through my beauty. I had to get that spirit of seduction off of me. I realized I didn’t want people loving me because I controlled their reaction to me. In 2003 when I came back to the Lord my mentor helped me recognize the seduction on me and I quickly wanted that thing to go! Together with her and another woman we prayed. I repented for ways in which I used my body to manipulate. I declared that I didn't want it anymore and we commanded that spirit (sometimes called the spirit of Jezebel of the way she manipulated her husband - 1Kings 16:31...) to go.

Once I no longer gave that spirit an invitation into my life, I had to be more conscience of way I carried myself - ways I walked, dressed, interacted with men, etc...I didn't want to invite it back in. Anytime that old spirit tried to come back on me, I simply reminded myself that I didn't have to be sexy or flirtatious to earn love. I could be friendly with men without putting out a vibe, and I learned safe boundaries so that I didn't draw that unnecessary attention. I determined to build more deeply with the women in my life and to treat all guys as brothers. I knew that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I made that abundantly clear in the way I interacted with guys (didn't do one on ones, no long phone conversations, etc...).

I remember thinking, "But I don't want guys thinking I'm a jerk! It's so much more fun to be liked and payed attention to." But I learned to get that feeling from the Lord instead. I let Him dote on me and pursue me with His radical love. I let Him whisper to me, dance with me, romance me. And it was so much better than the manipulated love I thought I wanted and needed.

I didn't have to worry that I would miss the chance of landing a husband because I wasn't alluring enough. I trusted that God would bring me the man I was supposed to marry, and he would be drawn to me because I was being me. I wanted to know that it was me, not the spirit of seduction, that drew him. And here I am today, happily married! After hanging out in groups for a few months, two quick coffee dates was all it took for Jesse and I to be officially dating (with intent to marry). We didn't have to play games. I didn't have to date around first. We were very clear with our intentions for one another and the journey was soooo much fun! We got to be like giddy 12 year-olds, getting to know each other without all that other crap.

And today I am so confident in his love for me, and it doesn't come from putting on that sexy outfit (although I love doing that, too...usually in the privacy of our own home...hey in marriage, as long as you're doing it in freedom and not in an attempt to manipulate him, you can seduce your husband all you want! :))

I don’t carry my body in a way that seduces men, and because of that, I don’t receive the same attention. Heads don't turn as much when I walk down the street (if they do it's usually Jesse that notices, not me) and sometimes the lies tell me it's because I'm not beautiful. But I’ve realized that I don’t want that kind of attention. It is not, nor will it ever be, true love. I am beautiful because I am free and confident in Him!

I guarantee that the ones who look like they have it all together - perfect bodies and outfits – are not fully satisfied. There’s still a longing for love. And I’m not saying that having a great body or cute clothes is a bad thing. I enjoy keeping my body in shape and dressing nice. But my body is not perfect, and I am OK with that.

I’ve learned that manipulated love is not love. Putting on a costume and making heads turn is not real. It’s not vulnerable. It’s not alive. It’s contrived and tenuous – if I gain weight or don’t look cute I am not loved. What an exhausting way to live.

I don’t want a love based on such shaky ground. I don’t want a love that I have to control and earn by spending hours at the gym. I don’t want attention from friends because I just got a trendy new necklace. I want a love that is free. A love based on who I am, not on what I look like, and not on how cute or sexy I can act. I want to be me!

And I’ve learned that my beauty IS powerful! The beauty I walk in now carries the power to bring so much life and healing into people’s lives. I know I am captivating because I am the Lord’s Beloved. I set the captives free because I am free. I can’t set the captives free from behind bars. I can only do it in honesty, in vulnerability, in the confidence of being a powerful daughter of the King.

I am sometimes surprised when women want to meet with me. What do they see in me? I’m not that cool looking. I’m not trendy and I certainly don’t have a perfect body. But time and time again, they come to me for help, for advice, for love. And I realize that what I do have is freedom. I have something that they want, true life and true joy. And it’s not because I’m striving. It’s because I’m resting. Resting in the revelation of His great and undeserved love for me

I hope this little pep talk encourages you. If you’re questioning whether or not you really want to be healed, know that contrived beauty cannot earn you the true love you desire. Beauty is power, but manipulated love is not love at all. True beauty invites, it lets others in, it heals, it sets the captives free. And that is powerful! Always remember this when the images in front of you are telling you otherwise. I know I need these little reminders every now and then.

Thanks for listening.

You are loved.